It was probably written by one of our trolls, "MDISF," which was short for "Mike D Is So Fat." Mike D was an indeed heavy set poster named Mike DeFabio, who made his own music, based on sampling. He was a pretty knowledgeable guy about music though. MDISF was one of several people who routinely trolled the board back in the day, doing unsigned FAKE posts under other people's names; he also usually posted them from the AOL IP (either 64.12.xxx.xxx, 152.163.xxx.xxx, 205.188.xxx.xxx, amomg others) and thus was also known as the "AOL Troll." I think I have that right--but I could be wrong, it's hard to say who these people precisely were. We also had a troll, for example, named "Starets Orange," which was "George Starostin" with the letters rearranged; this also may have been the AOL Troll. We also had a guy named Justin, I can't remember what the deal with him was.
Low Carb was a record-collector guy whose real name was Jason Hernandez, he was a pretty affable guy from Texas, fairly smart and laid-back. He was really into Guided By Voices and made mix-CDs for people, I have a four-disc compilation he made once. The "HAUL my life" post was made as a parody of his life; people used to post record-haul posts with titles like "HAUL & Oates" listing the records they'd recently purchased.
Anyway, Low Carb started an alternative to Music Babble called "Chem Trails & You" probably around, I don't know, 2004 or so? 2004 was when this place first started to get really ugly, mostly due to the arrival of Musicman, the departure of Jim, and countless ugly political fights on the board due to Bush winning re-election. After an ugly bout with a group of pissy Livejournal music-afficionado-psychos called the F*** You Crew or FYC, in which someone posted a fake application under George's name, causing George to get lots of ugly spam in his email (or something), George angrily disassociated Music Babble from his review site, and got sneered at by a lot of people here. He established his own secret separate board, with a number of posters who had grown sick of the fighting here leaving to go post there. It went under various names, but at some point it was eventually ratted out to this place with Jugdish leaking the URL. That was the first alternative board (oft-referred to as "Masonic Babble"); later, Low Carb quietly established "Chem Trails & You" the name of which was a reference to the poster Robert Grazer, a somewhat emotionally troubled guy who wrote a novel and also posted conspiracy theories about chem trails, those white jets of stuff you see in the sky. Most of the people who had jumped ship to post on George's alternative board ended up at Chem Trails; this faction, most of whom don't post on any message boards anymore, ended up getting sneered at by the more politically incorrect crowd here at Babble (Jamie Anthony, Derrick Joseph Stuart, Derek Sidebottom, Dominic Jugdish, Matt P., MDISF), who promptly ended up loathing George and Low Carb both. This in spite of the fact that Low Carb kept a low profile and didn't really get involved in any fights with anybody (except for his routine mockery of Adrian Denning, the mentally-unstable British reviewer guy who was psychotically jealous of George's popularity and who tried to have this board ratted out severl times); "Chem Trails & You" gradually ended up dying off some years later (it never had much traffic anyway) with most of its posters moving on to jobs and such and not really caring for 1997-style message boards anymore.
At any rate, it was probably MDISF who wrote the post (Derrick nor Jamie never took credit for it). The post went pretty much how Tabernacles says it went; it was about mocking Low Carb's presumably unsuccessful humdrum blue-collar record-collecting life. I have no idea what he actually does or where he even is these days. He was honestly a pretty harmless guy; it was mostly Derrick and Jamie who took up trashing him relentlessly with barbs about his presumably part-Mexican racial identity and the idea that he was some sort of total loser. The reason I wish I still had it is, in spite of the fact that I liked Low Carb, the post was worded very amusingly with record titles like "Shitty shit for fags and rednecks at weddings" and "Two hours of truck driver jams (in case that dream pans out!!)" It was reposted dozens of times, usually at the opening of any new board or relocation of Music Babble.