To make the game easier, these are all from the '70s.
1. "...remarkably inaccessible...Side two drones on with a nine-minute instrumental that sounds like a rip-off of the Doors' "Alabama Song." The title tune ends the album, but is it a tune? It sounds like dogs barking repetitively for minutes on end. Maybe it is ____'s genius at work, but if so you've gotta be Mensa level to understand him or be so stoned you still think the drum solo on "In-a-Gadda-da-Vida" is a tour de force."
2. "...is a disaster, taking the listener into a distorted and degenerate demimonde of paranoia, schizophrenia, degradation, pill-induced violence and suicide. There are certain records that are so patently offensive that one wishes to take some kind of physical vengeance on the artists that perpetrate them. ____'s only excuse for this kind of performance (which isn't really performed as much as spoken and shouted over ____'s limp production) can only be that this was his last shot at a once-promising career. Goodbye, ____."
3. "Like any other piece of complicated machinery, your car will need regular attention and service to make sure that the Emission Control System continues to function properly. This is the owner's responsibility. The manufacturer cannot guarantee that emissions will not rise to unacceptable levels if maintenance of the system is not carefully and regularly done as provided in this manual. Air from the pump is also supplied to a gulp valve, the outlet of which is connected to the engine inlet manifold. A small-bore sensing pipe connected between the inlet manifold and the diaphragm chamber of the gulp valve relays changes in manifold depression to the valve which will open under certain conditions such as those created by deceleration or engine overrun. The efficient operation of the engine and exhaust emission control equipment depends not only on correct carburetor adjustment but also on correct ignition timing, rocker clearance, distributor contact breaker and spark plug gaps. It is essential that these items be checked before adjusting the carburetor."
4. "These guys synthesize trenchant experimental trends into a hodge-podge that's compelling only to those without the intellectual vigor to penetrate the band's surface pose to find the real pose underneath...most of the concepts on their second album, ______, have been recycled from Frank Zappa, the Yardbirds and other Sixties avant-gardists - and the handful of original notions they do try to express are mostly lame or fraudulent. As rock & roll, this sort of stuff is a horror show that dispenses with backbeat, melody and raw emotion - i.e., all the things that ever made rock worthwhile...When I finish typing this, I'm taking a hammer to _________ lest it corrupt anyone dumb or innocent enough to take it seriously."
5. "______ , which boasts a vocalist who sounds like a cross between Donald Duck and Robert Plant, reached its pinnacle of success the day it was discovered by Circus magazine and turned into fanzine wall-decoration material. ____ is to the late Seventies what Grand Funk was to the early Seventies - the power boogie band for the 16 magazine graduating class."
7. "Those concerned with the future of hard rock may take solace in knowing that with the release of ______ by these _____ gross-out champions, the genre has unquestionably hit its all-time low. _____ has nothing to say musically (two guitars, bass and drums all goose-stepping together in mindless three-chord formations). Lyrically, their universe begins and ends with the words. 'I,' 'me' and 'mine.'...Stupidity bothers me. Calculated stupidity offends me."
8. "These would be English Kings of heavy metal are eternally foiled by their stupidity and intractability. In the early 70s their murky drone was all the more appealing for it's cynicism - the philosophy that everything is crap and a flirtation with pre-Exorcist demonic possession. Time has passed them by; their recent stuff is a quaint bore."
9. "Original arty-pretentious British punk rockers, best known for ______. Presumably the abandonment of pop form, soulless vocals and arrhythmic beat make an important aesthetic/political comment about modern nihilism and dehumanization...or something. No one listens to this stuff for amusement."
10."If this group makes it I'll have to commit suicide. From the first note you know you don't want to hear any more...
...According to the enclosed promo information, ______ spent the past year in the studio, rehearsing and writing songs. No doubt their lack of performing experience contributed to the quality of the record; if they had played live in clubs they would have been thrown off the stage and we'd have been saved the waste of time, money, and vinyl."