I guess it's my first ever midlife crisis, Charlie Brown.
1)Like dogs, but can't have one in my apartment and am in no position to take care of one.
2)Oh, no, this has never been a problem.
3)We'll look into the meds if this doesn't pass. I think it will, I'm already feeling a little better from a few hours ago when I spilled my guts at Ken, there.
Look, the problem with me is that, like a lot of my generation, I basically never grew up. You guys always knew what a loner nerd I was, but I found ways of being content with that. Well now those ways are drying up on me and I'm starting to think morbid thoughts about death, and leaving nothing behind for the world, and not really accomplishing anything, and what a waste that would be, and how I'd be disappointing my family and myself and who knows, maybe I'd be disappointing God too (I never really became an atheist, just FYI, and you can do whatever you want to with that.)
But, I'm 35 now and have just worked average jobs since 2007, and graduated from college--the happiest time in my life--12 years ago, with a BA in English Lit that I have never had the slightest clue of what to do with. Since then, I've stayed in my college town (Manhattan, KS) and my life has been in a holding pattern that was always pleasant enough to keep me from ever wanting to move on from it, just working average jobs and earning enough dough to pay the bills and buy myself some stuff from time to time.
In never wanting to really grow up, I sort of never left my college/immediate-post-college life behind. The bad thoughts I've had these last two days that made it hard for me to finish my lunch have mostly revolved around this.
I kept myself happy enough with the things I always talk about here: music, books and movies, the former starting in 2001 (my primary activity that made me happy in college), the latter starting in 2005-2006, building up my collections. I always found new items to add to my lists of things to read, watch or listen to, and in 2013 I started doing all the TV shows I've missed. But again, that stuff's really dried up as of late and the boredom is starting to get to me:
MOVIES: "It Follows," "10 Cloverfield Lane" and "The VVitch" are the only films I've seen in the last three or four years that I've actually felt like maybe purchasing. The only films left on my must-watch list are My Friend Dahmer and (I'm so sorry) The Dark Tower.
BOOKS: I've exhausted my reading list...I re-read Dave Cullen's Columbine recently, but slowly and not terribly enjoyably.
MUSIC: This is a list of all the albums I've heard since 2012 that I'd rate a George Starostin 12 or above....remember: I hear three new albums as background music every few weeks for those review posts I do.
Bark Psychosis, Hex
Wild Nothing, Nocturne
John Coltrane, A Love Supreme
Aztec Camera, High Land, Hard Rain
Miles Davis, In A Silent Way
Miles Davis, Kind Of Blue
Sparks, Angst In My Pants
The Church, Heyday
Swans, The Seer (probably not going to purchase this)
Swans, Children Of God
Blur, The Magic Whip
My album collection, I'm afraid, is mostly exhausted. I've listened to all those albums a zillion times, only a few of which I still get a significant amount of joy from, and even then I don't listen to them in full anymore. My music-listening habits partially started out of my desire to get the most out of a CD for the $$ I paid for it, and I still buy an occasional CD in spite of how depressing *that* is. Most of the rest of them I've retired the way I've retired my video game collection, but only in the last couple of years. I'd say I own 425 CDs and have heard about 850-1000 albums total in my life. Not sure of an exact total. But the stuff I listen to for review post purposes here, nowadays, are mostly mediocre discography gaps that I forget within two weeks of listening to them. And reunion albums, lots of those.
TV: I'm watching 24 season 5. It's okay. Aside from that, I've still got a couple seasons of Better Call Saul and South Park I'd be willing to go through. Maybe a rewatch of Mad Men. Kinda drying up on me. I know most fans think 24 goes to pot after the fifth season, which most of them consider the best, so who knows if I'll even watch the rest of that.
Then there's the matter of my social life. Don't yell at me. Yes, I have been pretty lonely lately and it's finally starting to get to me--I often comforted myself with the thought that being a loner was better for me because I avoided socially embarrassing situations that way, I was determined never to fall on my ass again as of the beginning of college (August 17, 2001). Again, I've been living here 17 years now, 12 out of college without getting anywhere, or even really trying to get anywhere. My college friends are LONG GONE and a lot of them I didn't even get their names while they were here anyway (one of my ex-roommates also committed suicide eight years ago, which I only found out about this week.) High school friends? A far more embarrassing time compared to college, but a lot of my old high school friends are barely even on Facebook and God knows what I'd talk about with *them* anyway, aside from mildly pleasurable chats about old memories, always a weakness of mine. I recently did go to a bar up in Marysville and encountered an old buddy of mine who had been one of my best friends in high school. We talked somewhat enjoyably for approximately four minutes before I realized he was drunk and he began ranting about how stupid he thought Black Lives Matter was. He was always a conservative guy but never outright blathering racist and it grossed me out. I kind of excused myself and left in embarrassment, wondering why in the eff I ever thought high school nostalgia would work for me anyway. I made an ass out of myself from time to time in high school and have never entirely shaken off those bad memories (there were public tears on a few occasions), it was in college that I grew up, but I still found it hard to socialize because I found so many of the guys I lived with in those dorms to be stupid and obnoxious and drunk. I patted myself on the back about this, thinking of myself as being a grown-up because I simply avoided the worst of being in my early 20s (no drugs, public intoxication, fist fights, knocked-up girlfriends, flunkings, crashed cars, shotgun marriages, etc.)
I will say in my favor that nothing seriously humiliating happened to me in college--hell, I got into far worse fights on Internet message boards than I ever did in my actual college lifetime.
That leaves you guys, a few other boards I check, and a few moderately close friends from work whom I only sporadically hang out with. I mostly hate bars. As Norville said, they're people checking their smartphones while loud music plays. At the very least I don't have an age bias--I'll talk to high schoolers or adults or whoever is willing to talk back.
Loved ones? I love my parents and two brothers dearly, who hardly ever caused my any grief. (The bigoted people I've complained about in the past aren't in my immediate family, they're family friends whom I see twice a year, tops.) They're both in their late 60s and there's no health scares, but they're both kind of disgusted with me for not moving on. I don't consult them for much help but would be so sad and empty if they were gone. Yes, thoughts of them being gone did come up in my recent bout of depression, thoughts of mortality that I haven't really had in ages. I know I have to go accomplish something in life partially for myself, but partially also because I don't wish to disappoint them while they're still alive--I really feel like I owe them something! Don't tell me this is wrong! In my defense, I've only asked for money a couple of times, and not very much at that. I've never asked them to buy me a Ferrari or anything. I've avoided bad spending habits my entire life, that's a plus, one of the few ways I've actually acted like an adult. And that reminds me of how my parents DID act like adults, and the usual blah about older generations being more mature and moral than this one. Eghn, I won't go into that.
Then there's the matter of that English degree, which leaves me praying to God that Derrick isn't lurking somewhere to read this post. I'm no writer and would rather die than teach high school where they assign kids retarded books now anyway because that's all the dumb little shits can handle. This started while I was still in high school. I certainly don't know enough about great lit to be a professor. While I was still in college an advisor told me to give Library Science a try in grad school and I've kept considering it but every time I try to read about it or what I could do with it, I fall asleep anyway and I can't seem to write a personal statement (I can get references though, and still have my old GRE scores, woo hoo--sort of a miracle that I *can* get references, so many of my professors have retired, and I got into Phi Beta Kappa but didn't do a damn thing with it, and haven't spoken with those advisors in ages.) There's also all sorts of articles I found advising people not to even think about Library Science.
Another thing about me, I'm reminded of: I'm incredibly poor at keeping up with new technology. I don't even bother, really. I don't have the money for it, for one thing, and it'll just be replaced tomorrow by newer technology. That's not going to sound good to an advisory board, especially not library science.
Physical illness? I've always been a bit overweight but at least I've never been "obese." My hair's thinning a bit lately and I think one of my teeth is rotting away. I get a couple of colds every winter which I take DayQuil for until they go away and that's it. The depression I felt in these last two days is new only because of what's causing it--I've only felt this awful on a few occasions since graduating college: 1)having to get my first jobs in 2007 and get used to that, 2)Trump being elected in 2016, and....that's about it. I have no desire to start a family, so that's out of the question. I've always wondered if I was on the autism spectrum, because I just don't know how so many adults actually do what they do in life while I can't seem to, but I'm probably only on the lower level. I've eaten a lot of greasy food in my life but I don't seem to have Type 2 diabetes, maybe that'll creep up on me? I've never been in shape in my life, even if I'm not horribly horribly out of shape either. I don't really exercise, Pugeye's probably right about me having to take that up at some point. We'll see.
So basically the big problem with me is that I'm a nerdy introvert slacker with no real purpose in life, and I never wanted to leave college undergrad years and lifestyle behind really. It's my own fault I tried to get by on my own all these years and my own fault I thought I could sustain myself on music and movies and stuff, which I did for probably eight or nine years far too long. I also frequently digressed into dumb bouts of nostalgia, like listening to certain albums while revisiting certain places on the K-State campus to rekindle the old memories of falling in love with the album the first time. I retired most of that last year though.
I'm going to try again, probably, to get into grad school, but I'm having a very hard time figuring out what I'd tell these people, aside from "hey, the only things I've really done well in life were playing the piano as a kid which I don't do anymore because I got f***ing sick of it, and getting A's in high school and college classes!" and I read lots of articles warning people away from grad school for precisely that reason--you don't go to grad school, just to go. I'll probably need to change jobs again too but good work around here isn't easy to find.
I have dumb juvenile fantasies of being some sort of altruistic hero and saving the world from time to time too, there's another adolescent bit I never left behind. At least it means my heart is in the right place. I know I have to do something for people, the problem is finding out what, let alone that it'll be something I'll enjoy.
Compounding any sadness I feel over this crisis is the usual state of ugliness in the world lately with our idiot president and his idiot supporters and global warming and nuke possibilities and the Iran deal and the probability that Trump will somehow bounce back yet again from whatever dumb stuff he did today.
Now, a disclaimer: I think I wrote this lengthy post mostly for myself. I don't think it's too whiny or b###hy, I think I'm just trying to take stock in light of this little bout of "depression." Again, NO suicidal thoughts or tragedies are involved in this. It's just I was sort of shocked at the sick feeling that I felt, and it made me get morbid thoughts of dying and leaving nothing behind, and how being an introvert and loner my entire life may have simply been the wrong choice, which is really embarrassing on a lot of levels, because I've always defended it. I've always told myself that because I wasn't doing anything really awful, or being really awful, that I was good enough. I guess I was a Delta Male Positive in that aspect.
I'm going to have to buckle down these next couple of months and start making changes, and I do feel I can probably dig myself out of it if I try hard enough. I just have to figure out how to try hard enough and I'm basically going to have to stop being me in a lot of ways, and I'm unsure of what I'm going to change into. I'm going to have to talk to counselors, and other people, and a lot, in ways I haven't really talked to before. I'll have to exercise and eat better probably for sure. It'll be a bad new experience for me, but I'll try to come up with something.
Wish me luck.
And if you want to rip me a new butthole over this and tell me what a wuss I've been my entire life, go ahead and do that too. I expect Benny's response in particular will be particularly vitriolic. BUT: I was NOT writing it to make anyone here feel sorry for me or put their arm around my shoulder. Again it's because of the new experience of feeling depression just over how I've lived, and the mistakes I made in not taking stock earlier.