The weather here right now is AWFUL--the worst muggiest, sweatiest MAY weather I've ever seen in Kansas, like it just jumped from February to June. Thanks, Trump, thanks for not signing that Paris thing so that we can have muggy shit weather and I'll always connect this down period in my life with it.
Have been able to get my food down fine the last three days, at least. Wasn't slowing down at work or unable to get anything done. A bit slower moving and a bit heavy of heart but no more stomach sickness like I had on May 9 2018 which I should probably watermark somewhere in my mind as a turning point, or at least I hope it will be.
But yeah, it's still eating at the back of my head a bit. You know, a lot of it isn't that I'm just thinking about death, or losing what few loved ones I have, for the first time in ages, it's that my death-related thoughts are mixed with ENTROPY-related thoughts. Entropy is almost as depressing to think about as death!! What's emptier?!?
Most childish part of this post: my CD collection is going to increasingly sit there over the next few years as I phase more and more stuff out...like my old SNES/N64/PS1 game collection which just sits in a big piece of Tupperware next to the TV. Keith Apicary would be proud!! And all the old NES/SNES/Genesis games I played on various emulators, I haven't touched those in YEARS. ENNNNTROPY!!!! Makes me sad. Okay, okay, stop thinking about this and STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I mean, there will still be review posts. I'll still go see films and listen to new albums. I just don't like thinking about a)how there may be no more, or very few, NEW mind-blowing viewing/reading/listening experiences in the future (I am probably going to try more jazz, though) and I'm certainly going to be doing significantly less of it. And that in turn makes me think of b)how I have always put finding new books/movies/shows/albums ahead of getting somewhere in life. And THEN I've got to think of how the fond memories themselves have faded over time too, like the very sad thing Woody Allen says at the end of Radio Days. Shame compounded!! I loved things and MEMORIES instead of people and told myself I was doing the right thing! Wahhh!! Stoopid!
Wait, no, I just listened to Renaissance's "Can You Understand." What a great listening experience. So happy.
You people have to understand that I've never HAD any big changes, or tragedies, in my life. Some bad memories, sure, but the most "change" I've ever had wasn't even going from high school to college (a change I loved) but from college to a daily work schedule which I did manage to adjust to anyway. Big whooop! I'm bad at change. I need to get good at it. And I need to get good at meeting new people, exercising, eating better, doing without very many new books/movies/albums to play with, finding new hobbies, travelling, getting a better job and finding a purpose in life besides adding to my film/music/book collections and chatting with you goobs about it on the internet. I have to get out of my bubble and I have to learn how to THINK POSITIVE, my parents were right all this time, I've always shunned positive thinking and now look how wrong I really was.
That was a mean remark. You're not goobs. I love you guys. I mean if I found out one of you had died I really would be saddened by it. I would!! It's weird to have online friends but that IS how I think about you! Who would I have had to talk to about all this nerd crap if not Babblers...
On that note, lemme respond to all of your individual posts with some bits.
Matt: No, no Douchey McDouchebag from high school to compete with--nobody from my high school except for one now-retired female basketball player was ever successful at all. I never gave a crap about making a million dollars or having an apartment. What's depressing to think about from those years is just how far away I am from those people and how they crowd my memories even though I didn't like lots of them and would have almost nothing to say to them if they came up to me today. No best friends like old best friends....and those people are goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone. And I really don't have the money for travel right now. If I did travel, it'd be to Portland Oregon where I know two of my better college buddies actually did end up.
Mr. T: I'll keep the "two weeks" thing Joe mentioned in mind before going anywhere near meds. I took Tramadol once for a twisted knee muscle once or something like that and that's about it for me with the meds. I should consider volunteering for my soul's sake!!!
Pugeye: It's not that I have no friends, although I don't do that much with them. I do see them from time to time. But I haven't made them a priority. Eghn, my fault. But that's one more regret to let go, eh? Too much negative thinking and letting the negative thinking comfort me, gotta change that. I tried to just avoid letting bad things happen so I wouldn't have to be "resilient." I always felt like being ordered to be resilient was like adding insult to injury. But that's because it was coming from the local masculinity, who were also usually bigoted people. No, no, believe you me I know how bad Kansas is. I've never had a kind word to say about it. Uh, maybe I'll check out Goodreads later, I don't really have time for new books right now.
Trung: Unfortunately, I'm too busy listening to Blur's The Magic Whip which has no jolly songs like "Country House" on it.
Ster: See, I have so few "fields" that "Interest me." That's what we've got to find, something I like doing AND which is good for other people somehow. I never for a second considered becoming some sort of critical theorist, even though I *have* defended studying literature.
Sam: Yes, I probably have to leave and go somewhere new. That'll be hard, too. Just because it's, y'know, not something I do.
Rich B.: Yeah, a "quest." That's just it. That's a way I've always *tried* to think about it. But I never took steps to start a quest! Oh, I don't think anyone here would make fun of me NOW--it's just that someone else here, Sam or Ken or somebody, posted this sort of thing and got blasted to bits by the troll who called him a "man child" or something, one of the worst people we had here. I just kind of wanted to be ready for that.
Joe: I walked into a Best Buy the other day for the first time in a few years and was just stunned at how far behind I am on tech. Yeah, the library science thing probably isn't going to work. My other choice that the Internship About Corn people hooked me onto? (Yes, it was them!) American Studies. Y'know, the degree Tom Wolfe has. Uhm...Cripes, I dunno, bro. Thanks for the 2-weeks thing, I'll keep that in mind.
Tabernacles E. Townsfolk: I always thought you were older than me, not younger. Your SPD probably does set you apart from me, but you said "socially I don't mind being a loner" which is how I felt for YEARS so maybe you really are headed for a crisis of your own. If so best of luck! You've also had lots of drug and travel experiences that I wouldn't know jack shit about.
Oliver: Uh, I'll try to keep that book recommendation in mind. Yes, it's inertia keeping me here...and that I'm bad at not being inert. Nerds are fine, no shame in being a nerd, I like nerds too--it's that I put my nerdiness ahead of bothering to do anything with my life.
Ken: I may consider the "write for yourself" thing but that's kind of what I do here anyway. Hey best of luck with your own depression because I like you Ken, we had such good times watching stupid ARGs together (is that term still in use? What is this 2009?)