WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Still fuming over the terrible turnout for his birthday parade, on Wednesday Donald J. Trump accused “evil migrants” of kidnapping “millions of real Americans” who were planning to attend.

“They grabbed them off the street like they were cats and dogs,” Trump posted on Truth Social. “Then they forced them to march in those far left lunatic No Kings protests.”

According to White House sources, Trump is considering a variety of options to distract people from the failure of his parade, including releasing the Epstein files.