I've always hated being shown baby photos by new parents, but I truly loathe that current Internet abomination, the "bump" photo of the heavily pregnant mother-to-be, worst of all with the father on his knees kissing the distended belly. Let's be generous and call the latter an image I really could have happily done without, and both are something about which I have absolutely no interest whatsoever.

Yet I'm supposed to say something affirming about either case when so ambushed, even though the purpose of this social charade is solely for your own aggrandisement. You have accomplished nothing. This is merely fulfilment of biological purpose and God knows what it is you'll be letting loose amongst us as a result.

You've mistaken your hormonal gymnastics as something we all are invested in such that our approval and encouragement are required. I have not. In fact, I rather resent being trapped into this charade; trapped because I can't respond how I'd like, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Can something be done?"

Anyway, the humourist Rich Hall has given me the best "out" to this annoyance, a cheerful and heartfelt, "Nice phone!"