(IP) Did Prophet Poppet have insider trading information about the forthcoming War of Portland declared by the television watching felon that somehow seeped into the brain as reliable advice?

"They're so dumb!" said the felon, "They didn't even know their city had been invaded by Antifa, forcing me to send troops to put a stop to the violence breaking out there!" raged the felon to his caddy, who miraculously found the felon's ball on the edge of the fairway after it was clearly driven into the water.

"You should rebrand your ball 'Jesus' for the way it miraculously walked across the water, onto the fairway." said the felon's golfing partner, Kenworth Copeland.

When asked about Poppet's decision to emigrate to a country of the Asian Pacific rim, the felon said, "She's highly overrated and conflicted. She is so low in talent, she doesn't even have ratings. Besides, I never eat apples. They make you smart. Now watch this!"

From the drop...uh...er... found ball on the fairway, the felon sliced 'Jesus' right back into the drink.

In less than three years, Poppet learned Japanese, while the felon is still working on acetomeniphen.

Her business is thriving, while the felon's new business, formerly The United States of America officially runs out of money and shuts down tonight.