I got fired from the calendar factory today. All I did was take a day off!

I used to build stairs for a living, but I quit because the business was always up and down.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

Learning how to pick locks really opened a lot of doors for me.

I tried to take a picture of a wheat field, but it turned out grainy.

I once read a book on anti-gravity, and I just couldn't put it down.

Never trust an atom, because they literally make up everything.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar together. It was tense.

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

I have many jokes about unemployed people. Sadly, none of them work.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police?

When I was in the grocery store, I tripped, and a woman saw me. I turned to her and said, “Sorry, it’s been a while since I possessed a body.”

The opposite of a croissant is a happy uncle.

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms there would be mass confusion.

The blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be canceled.