Donald Trump's Biggest Fears. What does Trump fear? Actually a lot.

The Halfway Cafe - Oct 7

The pee tape coming out after he’s no longer president or useful for Vladimir Putin to further destroy the US hegemony.

Stroking out and becoming a vegetable like Mitch McConnell.

Natalie Harp dropping one of the ridiculously large bags she carries off Air Force One and spilling out some of his used diapers.

His health records being revealed while he’s still president.

Public humiliation of any kind to the point that he tried to violently end American democracy and publicly hang Mike Pence rather than admit he lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden.

His hairline’s ongoing betrayal. His biggest regrets are the various hair implant procedures he desperately tried out back in the 80s before they were effective or cosmetically sound, which ruined his scalp.

Sharks, oceans, and water in general. He hasn’t entirely submerged himself into any body of water since the 1970s, particularly because, once he started balding, his elaborate hair combover and follicle implants started taking two hours and a full can of hairspray to mold into a shape roughly resembling normal hair.

The unveiled reality that he was never as rich as he claimed until his recent crypto scams, and has been beholden to foreign oligarchs laundering blood money through Trump Tower and his other international properties all along.

That the handful of interpreters from his private meetings with Vladimir Putin over the years will leak details of the corrupt deals they made after Putin reminded Trump of the blackmail in Russian possession.

His father’s brutal, emotional abuse and psychological coldness. Several times throughout every hour of every day, his father’s voice rings inside his head shouting, “You’re a f*cking loser, Donald! Everyone knows it!”

One of his many wives or mistresses poisoning him. He has Barron try any drinks or foods Melania gives him as insurance against Melania spiking it with hemlock, arsenic, or some other deadly toxin.

Barron and Melania mocking him in Slovenian. Every time he enters the room, she points at his crotch and they laugh saying, “Goba v hlačah!” Melania has dozens of compromising photos of him naked, and has given several to Barron to keep in both his wallet and several security boxes in multiple banks to save as an insurance policy to stay in the will after the inevitable divorce.

His children ruthlessly fighting over whatever he leaves behind because, despite tacky appearances of luxury, it won’t be much. He worries Ivanka will dismember Eric and Don Jr., and then mail the body parts to Barron and Tiffany as a warning not to f*ck with her. Ivanka was a big murderer of animals as a child, and choked out the cat his first wife got them when they were little. She then smeared the cat’s blood all over her body, and told Eric, “Someday, I will do this to you, too, only I’ll make you suffer much more than Sprinkles suffered!”

Having more business meltdowns like Trump Vodka, his Taj Mahal casino, and the Trump Shuttle airline. He does, however, think Trump Steaks would have sold better if they came with pre-packaged, freeze-dried ketchup on them like he wanted. He tells anyone who will listen that all his business failures were always because of other people, and often launches into long rants listing laundry lists of all the people whose fault his business failures are other than his own.

Donald Jr. ruining the Donald Trump name after he dies. He wishes he had instead named Ivanka “Donaldina” as his eponymous heir because she is not a total idiot, reject, and failure at everything she does like Don Jr. is. Ivanka also isn’t addicted to drugs like Don Jr. because she has fewer negative daddy issues on account of his incestual physical attraction to her since her teen years, which meant she got a lot of attention, praise, and emotional validation while growing up, unlike Don Jr., who was regularly yelled at and slapped in front of his friends.

Don Jr. running for president in the future and cracking under the pressure, and getting less than 5% of the vote in the GOP primary.

All the future films and TV series that will undoubtedly mock his mannerisms, facial appearance, vanity, and gluttony of personality vices. He’s particularly worried about a Quentin Tarantino film featuring a historically revisionist ending a la Inglourious Basterds.

He doesn’t know how or why, but confident women make him feel small and weak. Maybe because in his college days his hot female classmates all made it a school-wide game to stand him up on dates, and kept a notebook cataloguing all these embarrassments, as well as the number of times he was caught trying to sneak into women’s bathrooms and locker rooms, but he can’t help hating strong, independent women. He has frequent, emasculating nightmares about Megyn Kelly, Angela Merkel, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Kamala Harris, and Liz Cheney.

His health records leaking out and revealing his extended battles with tertiary syphilis, micro-penis, mushroom penis, Klinefelter Syndrome, unusually small hands, “Sausage Fingers Syndrome,” and proof that all along he has been lying about his BMI

All the people he has forced or bribed into signing nondisclosure agreements spilling their secrets all at once because he can’t sue them all at the same time.

Historians ranking him officially as the worst president of all time.

Israel, Russia, and Saudi Arabia all refusing to let him flee there when he gets impeached and convicted next year.

I hope you enjoyed this satire based on, well, unproven but widely accepted claims.