The following questions were set in a school exam and the answers are genuine (from 16 year olds)...
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean’ section.
A. The Caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.
Duz tha speak Yorkshure?
Police have just released details of a new drug craze being seen in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started to inject Ecstasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous practice is called ‘e by gum’.
A Yorkshireman’s dog died and as it was his favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. He said to the jeweller, “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?” The jeweller asked, “Do you want it 18 carat?” The Yorkshireman replied, “Nah, I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”
Stiif Tit and Conny Onny
We were talking, one evening, in the temperance section of my local hostelry, about Stiff Tit and Conny Onny. ‘Stiff Tit’, for youngsters who don’t know, was a tin of condensed milk which was readily available for cups of tea. It always had two holes punched in the top of the can, both of which ultimately crusted over with a yellowish substance after being left for more than ten minutes without being used. When poured, the milk slowly oozed out of the can in a pale, sticky, tendril that one more or less had to cut off with a knife to deposit it into one’s cup. Hence ‘Stiff Tit’. That, I hope, is self explanatory.
‘Conny Onny’, on the other hand, is the same thing (condensed milk), the ‘Conny’ being a colloquialism for ‘Condensed’. However, the local brains are in disagreement about the ‘Onny’ bit, and an argument is raging about its provenance. I maintain that it is a Liverpudlian form of rhyming slang for condensed milk.
The History of the Apron
I don’t think our kids know what an apron is. The principal use of grandma’s apron was to protect the dress underneath because she only had a few. It was also because it was easier to wash aprons than dresses and aprons used less material. But along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven. It was wonderful for drying children’s tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears. From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven. When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids... And when the weather was cold Grandma wrapped it round her arms. Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove. Kindling wood was brought into the kitchen in that apron. From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled it carried out the husks and in the autumn was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees. When unexpected company came up the garden path, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds. It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that ‘old-time apron’ that served so many purposes.
Grandma used to set her hot baked pies on the window sill to cool. Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw!