One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep. “Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory” Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident
at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and
drowned” Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?” Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out 3 times to pee!”
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Paddy  was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot. “Lord,” he prayed,”I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me,I
swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church
every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking
spot. Without hesitation, the man said,”Never mind,I found one.”
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Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”

Billy says, “In the car.”

Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd
of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers.
I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10
pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even
leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the
Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the
Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me
askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then
Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to
heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.”