What did one plate say to the other plate? “Dinner’s on me.”

What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A pouch potato.

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

Why did the car get a flat tyre? Because there was a fork in the road.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.

How did the Vikings communicate? With Norse code.

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagen.

What do you call a female chicken staring at a pile of lettuce? A Chicken Caesar Salad.

Why don’t bananas ever get lonely? Because they hang out in bunches.

What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

What do you call someone who is happy on Mondays? Unemployed.

What do you call 12 people doing the work of one? A committee.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? It caught a virus.

I was raised as an only child—and that got on my brother’s nerves.


Dave has been a good and reliable worker for the same company for twenty-five years. One problem: he keeps missing company events. Eventually, his boss calls him to his office demanding an explanation. Why can’t Dave be a team player?

“I’m sorry Boss,” said Dave, “I’m so busy with all my friends. Sometimes it seems I know everyone there is to know, even famous people. My social calendar is full.”

“What do you mean?” asks the boss with derision. “How many people can you possibly know?”

“I’ll prove it. Name someone famous,” shrugged Dave, “I’ll bet I know him or her.”

Amused, his boss called his bluff, “Okay, Dave, how about the actress, Cate Blanchett? You know Cate?”

“Oh yeah boss, Cate and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So, Dave and his boss fly to London and knock on Cate Blanchett’s front door, and through the curtains, Cate shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a drink!”

Though impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. They leave Cate’s house after an hour and he tells Dave that he thinks knowing Cate was luck, nothing more.

“No, no, name anyone else,” Dave says.

“Emmanuel Macron,” his boss quickly retorts, knowing he couldn’t possibly know the French president.

“Yup,” Dave says, “We’re old mates. Let’s fly to Paris.”

At the French parliament Macron spots Dave and motions him and his boss over saying, “Bonjour Dave, ravi·e de te voir. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in, let’s have a catch up.”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the parliament grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name someone else. Anyone!

“Pope Leo XIV,” his boss replies.

“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the pope for years.” So, off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with tens of thousands of people at St Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the pope’s eye amongst all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so I’ll pop up the backstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the pope and wave to you.”

He soon disappears into the crowd. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss’s side, Dave asks him, “You okay? What happened?”

His boss, pale and drawn, looks up and says, “It was the final straw … you and the pope appeared on the balcony and the bloke next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'”
A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter, who welcomed him warmly and told him he will be taken to his ‘forever’ heavenly dwelling. He then led him down the streets of gold. They passed castle after fantastic castle, then huge mansion after mansion, and many beautiful cottages, until they came to the end of the street. Saint Peter stopped in front of a little wooden, rickety shack.

“This is it. Welcome Home,” said Saint Peter.

The man was surprised, and said, “Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?”

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.


St Peter’s Catholic Church holds weekly marriage seminars for husbands. At a recent session, the priest asked one local parishioner, Giuseppe, to share some insight into his 50th wedding anniversary and how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for so long.

Giuseppe proudly addressed the assembled husbands, “Well. I have tried to treat her really nice, you know … spend lots of money on her, but best of all, I took her back to Italy for our 25th anniversary!”

The priest was delighted. “Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”

Giuseppe replied, “Well, I thought I’d better go back and get her.”