NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—At a tense all-hands meeting on Wednesday, editor-in-chief Bari Weiss announced that, going forward, CBS News will institute a zero-tolerance policy towards news.

“Someone tried to slip some news into this past Sunday’s episode of ‘60 Minutes,’” a visibly angry Weiss told the gathering. “Fortunately, I was able to catch it in time.”

She reminded the newsroom that “as journalists, we all answer to a higher master: David Ellison.”

Next Sunday, CBS will air the first Weiss-edited episode of “60 Minutes,” now called “4 Minutes.”