YEMEN (The Borowitz Report)—In what they called an effort to “stay in the loop,” Houthi rebels disclosed on Tuesday that they had sent a friend request to Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth’s wife.
An official Houthi rebel spokesperson said that the request had been sent on several social media platforms, including Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn.
“It’s important that we have each other’s contact info,” the spokesperson said. “Our number isn’t going to just get sucked into Mrs. Hegseth’s phone.”
According to the spokesperson, the outreach has already paid dividends, as the Houthis have been invited to the Hegseths’ Memorial Day clambake.
Horowitz propaganda satire sucks. Funny he is not.
Bemusing for its obvious effort to keep the hate Segweth bandwagon going. Hegseth is doing a great job in service to the United States. Austin was DEI. Now we have someone of merit.
JUDEA (Babylon Bee) — Saint John the Apostle has reportedly signed a lucrative six figure deal with Nike following his win against Saint Peter in a footrace to the tomb of Jesus.
Saint Peter has continually maintained that it was not a race, and that they were just excited to learn if Jesus had indeed risen. However, that hasn't put a stopper on Saint John's growing fame as a sprinter. Nike decided to strike while the iron is hot.
"We're proud to have signed John to an official endorsement deal," said Nike CEO Tiberius Calceus. "We're also excited to announce a collaboration with the apostle on the brand-new Nike Air John 1, the shoe for beloved winners. Run like John with a pair of Air John 1's today."
John's deal with Nike is reportedly the largest of its kind at approximately 2 million denarii. The brand-new "sneaker" is already set to beat earlier sales records set by the Adidas JB Thongs, a sandal inspired by John the Baptist. According to Nike, the Air John 1 "offers a comfortable fit designed by the apostle himself. It features an innovative rubber outsole for multi-surface traction to navigate tough terrain faster than ever."
At publishing time, Saint John had also signed on as a "Wheaties Champion" to appear on cereal boxes.
