MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Self-proclaimed hero Luna von Woke, the woman who thought grabbing a live flash-bang grenade during an anti-ICE riot was a brilliant idea, is now crowdfunding for expensive prosthetic fingers after the device predictably exploded in her hand. Von Woke dove headfirst into the chaos to stop federal agents from deporting a convicted pedophile, only to discover that ordnance doesn’t respect good intentions or safe handling practices.
“I was bravely protecting an undocumented guest from Trump’s fascist deportation machine when I heroically scooped up that flash-bang,” von Woke explained from her hospital bed, proudly displaying her stump. “Now I need $50,000 for top-of-the-line prosthetic fingers so I can keep flipping off ICE agents and signing petitions. This is all Trump’s fault for making grenades explode!”
Eyewitnesses confirmed the moment of genius: von Woke treated the live grenade like a participation trophy, attempting to lob it back at agents enforcing immigration law. “She wanted to ice the deportation of a foreign child predator, but physics iced her fingers instead,” said one spectator who avoided the blast radius.
Her GoFundMe page, titled “Fingers for the Resistance,” has so far raised a staggering $27 from sympathetic donors, with the progress bar frozen at 0.05%. The pedophile she fought to save was successfully deported and unavailable for comment.