Mortal Kombat-I saw this in the theater, and everyone's favorite part was when Reptile forms and the video voiceover goes, "Reptile!" anyway, the production design RULES in this movie and a lot of the actor/character combos are spot on AND they clearly respected the game's storyline (except for the Scorpion and Sub-Zero stuff, but that's fine), but they also missed out on why the games were so cool: the blood and excessive violence also, I hate when Shang Tsung says "Flawless Victory" after that one Goro fight when the bald black dude clearly got some shots in.
Universal Soldier-JCVD (who almost played Johnny Cage in the above) and Dolph Lundgren (who is terrible in this movie) are pitted against each other as reanimated Vietnam War casualties turned super soldiers who start having flashbacks to the last moments of their lives. this is a better idea in theory than in execution, but there are some legitimately funny scenes and a badass chase scene involving a bus going off a cliff, so it's not bad at all.
Patriot Games-sequel to The Hunt for Red October, but with Harrison Ford taking over for Alec Baldwin. this is a fairly good revenger involving Sean Bean and the IRA trying to get back at Ford, but it devolves into a silly boat-chase ending that feels more like it belongs in a Bond movie.
Logan Lucky-Ocean's Seven Eleven! this is pretty entertaining caper fare with funny performances by Adam Driver and Daniel Craig and a moderately engaging plot with just enough twists to keep it entertaining and a pretty heartwarming John Denver bit. not a great movie or anything, but I'm glad it exists.
Escape from New York-another movie with great production design, but this time with a killer cast too, although having heard about Snake Plissken my whole life he's honestly kind of underwhelming as a character. he doesn't really do much besides axe Ox Baker to death. this isn't as fun as Big Trouble in Little China or They Live, imo.
Damien: Omen II-Damien's turning thirteen and about to find out that he's the antichrist and what he does with this knowledge is appropriately sinister. low-level horror that for some reason stars William Holden, but there are two incredibly brutal death scenes in here that people should see.
Self/less-Ben Kingsley is about to die, so thanks to science he is able to reborn in Ryan Reynolds' body, but then he starts having memories of Ryan Reynolds' life, because it turns out he was a real person, and then the movie turns into a bunch of action scenes where people keep being revealed as having been other people. silly.
Play It Again, Sam-how many movies are there where Woody Allen falls in love with Diane Keaton? six? the funniest stuff here involves him being hilariously nervous around women and Tony Roberts and his telephone numbers, and the best scene is the art gallery one, but this is ultimately just fine I reckon.
Cell-absolutely godawful Stephen King adaptation with Samuel L. Jackson and terribly aged John Cusack having to avoid people who get murderous after using their cellphones. possibly as bad as The Happening.
Case 39-Renee Zellweger as a social services worker who stops a mom and dad from putting their daughter in the oven. she goes on to adopt the child, and guess what happens next.
Escape Room-I didn't know these things exist in real life, but this a fun tenser (new word) where a group of folks get offed one by one while trying to win the game. unfortunately, it ends in the most sequel-baiting and ridiculous way ever, so eff this shit.
Darkness Falls-something about a wrongfully murdered non-witch (who doubled as the Tooth Fairy???) who comes back to murder future generations of children when their teeth come out. I think. it's PG-13.
The Skeleton Key-Kate Hudson (remember her?) moves into a sketchy New Orleans mansion where Gena Rowlands is acting terribly weird. fairly underwhelming voodoo fare until a surprisingly dark ending that almost makes the movie worth your time.
It Chapter Two-wayyyyy too long with wayyyyy too many jump scares and shitty CGI effects. the Chinese restaurant scene is good and Beverly in her old house, and Eddie and Richie were well-cast, but it's probably not even possible to do a good adapation of the adult parts of this book since there's gotta be a goddamned giant spider.
The Slime People-MST3K fare about, well, Slime People, who lived underground for centuries, but came to the surface, because we keep polluting the world or whatever, and then they proceed to encase LA in a protective layer from which no man can escape. the most notable thing about this movie besides the cool slime costumes (google them) is that it's hilariously overly foggy and it's very hard to see what's even going on at times.
The Expendables-disappointing from any angle you want to look at it
The Expendables 2-this is a little better, because it's got Van Damme as the baddie instead of Eric Roberts (?), and there's also a tremendous Chuck Norris bit in here. the Willis and Arnold stuff in these first two movies is really obvious, even by the standards of Expendables movies.
The Expendables 3-this one is only notable for Mel Gibson's madcap villain performance, and Antonion Banderas being at his absolute wackiest. Harrison Ford replaces Willis and leaves even less of an impression. these movies should've been more fun.
Octopussy-too silly for me at points, as Bond winds up in both a gorilla suit and as a clown at the carnival, but it's otherwise as good as For Your Eyes Only, and there's the usual train and plane action set-pieces the world loves so much.
Never Say Never Again-Connery's back (younger than Moore, but looking much older), with Kim Basinger (sex) and frickin' SPECTRE again. this feels more like a tv movie and kinda a remake of Thunderball, and the most tense scene is some kind of zany video-game with real-world consequences.
A View to a Kill-the most MTV Bond, with Duran Duran doing the song, and featuring Christopher Walken (as one of The Steroid Kids) and Grace Jones herself as the baddies. unfortunately, Bond doesn't wind up fighting Jones at the end, which could've been epic. there's an insane scene towards the end here with Walken shooting tons of good guys while laughing maniacally that doesn't feel like it should be in a James Bond movie at all. Good Bond girl/bad Bond movie.
The Living Daylights-not gonna lie I dig Timothy Dalton's no-nonsense, dark as hell take on Bond. seriously, his two movies aren't very light-hearted! this is probably the better one, with evil KGB antagonists, a cellist Bond girl and a memorable jeep-in-a-plane bit.
Licence to Kill-the most Miami Vice Bond movie, with heel sharks eating both good and bad guys, the opera-singing Goonie baddie as the villain, and a young Benicio Del Toro being a bit of a prick. I guess Dalton did have some one-liners, and Q was always funny, but it's a shame these two are underrated in the canon.
Goldeneye-good beginning for Brosnan and by far his best Bond movie, but I don't like it too much, tbh. the evil lust murderer chick is okay, but the Sean Bean angle seems silly (besides the cool antennae fight), the ending seems like a throwback to the more outlandish early plots, the tank chase is honestly dumb, and I don't like Judi Dench as M at all.
Tomorrow Never Dies-watch out for that evil media mogul who wants control of the news in China, or whatever. he's the Rupert Murdoch of Bond Villains and he stinks. Teri Hatcher's slight role isn't good. Yeoh and Brosnan's chemistry isn't good either, but I guess at least she's a different kind of Bond girl. this is a bad movie overall.
The World Is Not Enough-I saw this in the theater too. Denise Richards likely gave teenage me a boner, but she's in way over her head here. much better is the obviously-gonna-turn-bad Sophie Marceau. for the first time in a while there's fun skiing scenes too! the villain who feels no pain and is gonna die eventually is kinda underwhelimg. i probably like this slightly more than the last one, but these Brosnan Bonds aren't for me.
Die Another Day-the absolute worst Bond movie ever (not counting the spoof). there's goddamned invisible cars, godawful CGI action scenes, wacky DNA restructuring of bad guys, and a whole bunch of other crap. avoid.
Casino Royale (2006)-the only way this works is if you think of it as a prequel to what Bond would become, which is I think what it's supposed to be, because you're for sure not getting the Bond you love, with the gadgets and the charm and the lack of falling in love (unless you're George Lazenby). honestly this feels more like a Jason Bourne movie than a Bond movie. there's a scene where the bad guy keeps hitting him in the balls. how does Bond get out of it? with the help of a guy who comes in a shoots the bad guy. not my Bond.
Quantum of Solace-the worst-named Bond movie and also one of the worst period. the action scenes are terribly filmed with some ill-advised effect where they intercut the action scenes with other scenes, so that it's terribly confusing. there's a giant hotel in the middle of the desert too. Skyfall better be as good as they say, cuz I'm not feeling these movies.
Casino Royale (1967)-another contender for the worst movie I've ever seen. Nivens, Sellers, Welles, Allen, more hot chicks than any Bond movie (and Miss Moneypenny is the hottest for once!), and it's a complete disaster. I was reading Sellers and Welles wanted to do a straight adaptation, and that certainly would've been better, becuase the attempts at comedy aren't funny at all. I might suggest seeing this just for the trainwreck aspect, but, oh boy.