Christine-like this one! Geek gets a new ride and immediately starts banging above his level. Cool late '50s soundtrack and tremendous bully character too. Not great, and certainly the ending is a bit flat (pun intended), but watchable mid-level Carpenter fare for sure, and the first of two movies this week that begins with "Bad to the Bone" playing.
The Rite-bland lead actor doesn't wanna be a priest after all until he goes to Rome and gains exorcist knowledge from Anthony Hopkins. Based on a true story! It's a PG-13 exorcism movie, so you don't even get all of the hilarious demonic profanity you'd want in one of these flicks, but Hopkins overacts pretty well and it's not a total disaster at least, though I'd rather it was to be honest.
The Exorcism of Emily Rose-this one is better with some wicked demonic possession stuff involving the funny-cursing sister from Dexter, but also with half the movie being in a courtroom where the jury will have to decide whether the priest might've been criminally negligent in regards to the homicide. He definitely was.
Psycho II-Still psycho after all these years. This one is REALLY plot-heavy with Norman out of the loony bin and back home being menaced by the Vera Miles character from the original (who they completely ruin here) and her daughter. There's a whole bunch of murders happening, and it's basically a whodunnit with a ludicrous resolution, but Perkins acts the shit out of it, and it's honestly better than you'd think.
Psycho III-though this one is probably just as bad as you think. Norman falls in love with a suicidal nun (yep) and gives control of the hotel over to a rockstar Jeff Fahey (sure), and guess what happens? More people start getting murdered. These movies are pretty gorey, by the way, but it's the type of gore where if you pause the screen just before the death-blow you can tell that the actor has been replaced by a mannequin. You know the kind.
Psycho IV: The Beginning-made for television this time, which doesn't really show, and it's both a prequel focusing on young Norman (a bored Henry Thomas) and his relationship with his mother (an unhinged Oliva Hussey) and a sequel at the same time, as Norman is talking to a radio show host (CCH mother####in' Pounder) and relating all of this stuff. Not terrible, but it does rewrite the mythology and pretends the last two movies didn't happen, which you really hate to see.
Omen III: The Final Conflict-Sam Neill as the now-adult Damien as he has to contend with the Second Coming of all things, which puts his position as the Antichrist in a bit of jeopardy and so he has his minions start killing babies. The one thing this series is really good at is impressive death scenes. This one's got a guy that Damien forces to blow his head off via a rigged-door mechanism, so that the people coming in get to watch it, and a death-by-foxhounds one too. Otherwise, outside of some crazy soliloquies with Damien ranting at a Jesus statue, this is pretty skippable. Also, in no way at all does it seem like the world's ending like it implies in the beginning.
Tales from the Crypt-the early '70s one where five folks are on a walking tour of some crypts or something where they all get told stories from a cryptkepper concerning their demises. They range from fine (sexbomb Joan Collins offing her husband before having to deal with a deranged Santa Claus) to boring (guy dies in car crash and comes back looking hideous, but then he wakes up...just before the car crash again) to really pretty good (Peter Cushing as a mistreated old neighbor with lots of dogs who cuts a guy's hearts out and gives it to his dad). Fun overall, and on youtube!
Vault of Horror-Also on youtube, also from the same people, and also a five-story anthology from the next year, but not quite as strong. The best story here is a funny one involving an OCD domineering husband and his put-upon wife who responds in kind when things go too far one day, and there's a fun one involving a surprise vampire restaurant too, so you might as well watch this too if you have as much free time as I do.
Winchester-really terrible ghost story with Helen Mirren as the crazy old bag who believed she was responsible for all of the winchesters that killed people (or something) and so she has a wacky house built to house the unhappy spirits of the dead (or something). Lots of bad jump scares like most post-Insidious/Conjuring horror you see these days.
The Entity-oh boy, this one. Barbara Hershey gets repeatedly raped by a ghost. Seriously, it happens like five times. Not very fun. There's one single cheesy effect where they try to show what the Entity looks like, but otherwise it's tons of invisible rapes accompanied by a pounding musical motif that probably won't leave my head for a while. There's also a really wacky Poltergeist type psychic solution involving freezing the Entity, but it doesn't work and when she goes home afterwards the thing's voice goes, "Welcome home, c u n t!" I swear to god.
Major Payne-I saw this in the theater and though I remember cracking up at the time I figured it would not hold up at all. I was wrong. The title character is still one of the funniest in movie history and though the plot is predictable as all hell it goes down so heartwarmingly that I can forgive it. Best scene: