What saved my ass were the earplugs. I bought a big 110-pair jar and I'm maybe a quarter of the way through, but I'm thinking of ordering more. When I do something she doesn't like she'll turn on the radio fairly loud, and when I smoke she'll turn on the vacuum. Earplugs muted all that and I had both a refuge and a way to act normally and pretend that she wasn't there that didn't seem (to me) or come off (to an outside observer) as forced. It was as if I just didn't give two ####s. I met someone for breakfast this morning and when I got home she followed me around stomping loudly, audible through the earplugs. Oh shit, I thought, something that would defeat my plan; she stopped after a short while after I had sat down and played it cool. Later when I got home from my psychiatrist and counselor's appointments it was completely back to normal. She's abandoned doing things that would pierce my armor before, maybe because stomping around is loud and she thought other people might complain. Hoping she's given it up for real. I could juggle earplugs if she goes back to it but here's hoping.
Earplugs are great for most stuff but they can let some sounds through clearly, perhaps because they filter out everything masking them. I have to take them out while eating because she listens to me eat and will tap a stick on something every time I swallow. Not the end of the world, just a nuisance (and a fairly disturbing one.)
Anyway I'm in a much better place right now -- for the time being -- and I'm feeling calm and at ease. Hopefully this will all be over soon. I'm keeping quitting smoking as a bargaining chip for if we ever hammer out an agreement as that seems to be a lot of what's driving this. I'm not going to give away the cigarettes without getting something out of it, though: she has other gripes (some that I probably don't know about). It seems she has a raging case of misophonia around eating sounds, but she decides to subject herself to it on purpose, sitting under me and tapping the stick, inaudibly softly without earplugs.
Something to wonder about (and which backs up the suspicion that she has something wrong with her): she will only talk to her father; when the office (or anybody else) calls she'll ignore it or let it go to voicemail. The staff were as mystified as anyone, but when I made my complaints they'd say that they'd call her dad.