8 Heads in a Duffel Bag-pretty lame black comedy where hitman/mafia dude Joe Pesci has to deliver the said heads via airplane to some mafioso, but some doofus who's trying to impress Kristy Swanson's parents gets his luggage instead. Hijinks ensue. David Spade and the bald guy from "High Fidelity" play the dude's med school roommates who Pesci beats up for info.
Miami Blues-Alec "Manslaughter" Baldwin is out of prison and immediately kills a Hare Krishna at the airport by breaking his fingers so hard he has a heart attack or something, and then he beats up copper Fred Ward and takes his badge and starts pretending to be a cop, so as to commit more crimes. It's kinda fun. Jennifer Jason Leigh is good as his airhead prostitute-turned-girlfriend.
Erased-ex-CIA agent Aaron Eckhart is on the run with his daughter in one of those "there's this all-powerful company who can erase lots of people's identities super easily" type movies. You know the type.
Term Life-low-level criminal Vince Vaughn is on the run with his daughter when a heist goes bad, and he has to hide with her from mob bosses and hitmen and some dirty cops led by Bill Paxton. Vince has bad hair in this.
The Omen-2006 remake with Liev Schrieber and Julia Stiles as the parents and Mia Farrow as the evil nanny. It has no reason to exist (except to make lots of money), as it's way too similar to the original, except a lot worse. The Damien kid actor isn't creepy at all either.
Savages-really bad Oliver Stone movie about two uber-successful pot-dealers who turn down an offer from some Mexican baddies (led by Salma Hayek in a wig for some reason) and take turns banging Blake Lively. I've now watched 2241 movies, and I think the worst line in any of them may be when she says in reference to the Iraqi war veteran stud who rails her, "I have orgasms. He has 'wargasms.'"
Larry Crowne-Tom Hanks directed and stars in this unambitious tale of a fired oldster who goes back to college to get a degree and then falls for his often-drunk speech-making teacher Julia Roberts. It's a movie that exists.
Poseidon-Wolfgang Petersen-directed remake that's not as good as the '72 version with Kurt Russell, gay Richard Dreyfuss, Emmy Rossum, Kevin Dillon, Freddy Rodriguez, that chick from the London season of "The Real World" and some others trying not to die aboard the ill-fated luxury ocean liner. Good effects/bad movie.
Pain & Gain-pretty funny and audacious Michael Bay ripped-from-the-headlines movie with Mark Wahlberg, The Rock and Anthony Mackie as bodied-up ex-cons in Miami who get into kidnapping, extortion and murder-related problems. It's violent and stupid, but fun. The Rock is a cocaine-addicted born-again Christian and he keeps messing things up by being too good a person.
The Ringer-Johnny Knoxville pretends to be retarded so he can compete in the Special Olympics and use the top prize money to get his lowlife uncle out of trouble. You guys take it from here.
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty-remake of a movie I haven't seen with Ben Stiller as a "Life" magazine editor who does this thing where he stops in place and daydreams fantastical scenarios that we see play out, which is fun. Unfortunately the actual plot of the movie sucks, as he goes to Iceland to find missing photographer Sean Penn, so they can use one of his photos for the cover of the final edition of the magazine. It doesn't explain how meek-mannered Stiller overnight goes from a sad sack to jumping out of helicopters and fleeing from volcanoes and stuff. Inspirational Arcade Fire montage scene too.
My Bloody Valentine 3D-fun enough remake that's at least a little different from the original and doesn't hold back on the gore. I'm sick of 3D movies that I'm not watching in 3D, though.
Shark Night 3D-a bunch of college mopes wind up in waters infested by sharks thanks to some madman who was spurned by the female lead years ago and didn't get over it to the point of killing people via sharks. Slightly better than a SyFy channel movie. There's also a hella goofy rap video by the cast after the credits for reasons that will forever remain unknown.
Santa's Slay-I'll just copy and paste the first plot paragraph from wiki and move on: On Christmas Eve in Alberta, Canada, the Mason family (played by a cast of all Jewish celebrities in bit roles) is bickering about their wealth and material possessions while eating Christmas dinner when Santa Claus (Bill Goldberg, coincidentally also Jewish) comes down the chimney and kills them all in various graphic displays of Christmas-themed violence, such as drowning the matriarch Virginia (Fran Drescher) in eggnog, using the star atop a Christmas tree as a ninja star and stabbing the patriarch's (James Caan) hands to the table with silverware and suffocating him by stuffing a leg of turkey in his mouth.
The Marksman-recent Liam Neeson movie where he's a widowed alcoholic rancher on the border who reports illegals to the authorities in exchange for goods and services, but then a Mexican kid and his mom get pursued by the cartel, and he totally kills the bad guy's brother and the mom gets killed, so he has to take the kid to Chicago relatives. Formulaic cliche-fare that felt similar to "Cry Macho" that sees Neeson trying hard anyway.
Sicario: Day of the Soldado-sequel minus Blunt, so it's all bros. This time it's mostly about the government stirring shit up between rival cartel factions by kidnapping the daughter of one of the leaders. Lots of tense scenes and ultra violence, and it's cool getting to see more of del Toro's badass character (the best he ever played?), but the original is predictably a lot better.
Funny Games-original version, but I've seen the American remake too, and that's the exact same. Anyway, two pricks torture a boy and his parents for a while before killing them all. Fourth-wall breaking nonsense.
F9: The Fast Saga-John Cena is Dom's long-lost brother. Also, Tyrese and Ludicrous go to space. It's almost over.
King Richard-this might be entertaining if it was about how good the Williams' sisters are at tennis, but it's just about their father/coach. Stupid.
Countdown-there's an app called "Countdown" that counts down the time you have left alive, and when your time runs out you die violently. Bit of a "Final Destination" ripoff. In any event, I won't be downloading that app.
Witches in the Woods-some college kids get snowed in in a van on a roadtrip in witch country, and then they start getting killed off, though you're never really sure whether there's actual evil afoot or if they're just doing it themselves. At least that's something. I don't ask for much.
Extraction-Bruce Willis is a CIA master assassin type guy whose wife got killed, and then he gets kidnapped, and his son who wants to be just like him sets off to rescue him with partner/ex-lover Gina Carano before the baddies activate some weapon that crashes the internet all around the world or something. Bad.
2 Guns-Wahlberg and Denzel are both undercover cops, but neither knows it, who separately try to trap drug lord Edward James Olmos and wind up robbing a bank for money laundering conviction purposes and later running afoul of some heel Navy SEALs too, headed by Bill Paxton, so there are mad heads chasing them, but this movie blows.
Margin Call-well-acted and talky movie about the 2008 financial crisis with Spacey, Irons, Demi Moore, Paul Bettany, Tucci and some others. S'ok.
Never Let Me Go-Garfield, Knightley and Mulligan are clones (I think; this movie is vague as hell about what's going on) who grow up to be organ donors for real people and then die in their '20s. Bleak.
U.S. Marshals-sequel to "The Fugitive," but only with TL Jones and the FBI characters who this time are chasing escaped convict Wesley Snipes, but it's actually slippery Robert Downey Jr. who they should be worried about. S'ok.
Collide-lovers Nicholas Hoult and Felicity Jones do American accents even though the movie's set in Europe in this actioner where the latter is gonna die without treatment they can't afford, so the former agrees to steal some drugs for overacting Ben Kingsley from overacting Anthony Hopkins, and that's where the problems start. Lots of action, some on the Autobahn. Fun for the overacting, but not otherwise.
Hollywoodland-divorced downer private eye Adrien Brody is investigating whether Superman George Reeves (Affleck; pretty good performance for him) actually committed suicide or was murdered, so we look at that through various angles looking for answers that we'll never get.
The Other Guys-funny buddy cop movie with Wahlberg and Will Ferrell as low-level cops who get a chance to do some good when the stars of the department The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson die in the first five minutes of the movie in funny fashion. The plot is too hard to follow and involves a heel Steve Coogan, but there's some good laughs.
Demonic-a bunch of college jabronis are violently slaughtered in an abandoned house while investigating supposed/legit paranormal activities, and the cops/psychologist gotta figure out what's what. Twist ending.
A Walk Among the Tombstones-Liam Neeson tries hard again in this movie where some drug dealing loser's wife gets abducted and killed by two psychos seeking money, and then he finds other victims and together with this streetwise orphan kid they track down the bad guys. Forgettable.
Lavender-young mother keeps forgetting everything and doesn't know who killed her family when she was young, but oh boy does she piece it together and oh boy is there a creepy child molester uncle involved.
The Relic-late '90s monster movie with a lizard-like creature that's not on camera enough to tell what he looks like and who kills a bunch of people in a Chicago museum. The monster has human DNA too cuz some guy drank some soup, but I can't explain that any better.
From Within-there's a cursed black book that a kid reads from and that starts a chain of events where some evil presence follows townspeople around in doppelganger form until they kill themselves. Cursed town mumbo jumbo.
Desperately Seeking Susan-mid '80s '30s screwball mistaken identity movie with Madonna (good) and Rosanna Arquette (really good), with the former as a troublemaker who exchanges ads in the paper with her rocker boyfriend and the latter as a bored housewife who gets amnesia and gets dragged into the middle of a murder mystery. Fun.
Swingers-really funny movie with Jon Favreau as a failed comedian obsessed with his gf who dumped him to the point of cringe and Vince Vaughn as his hilarious buddy who keeps trying to cheer him up by inviting him to Vegas and elsewhere in the hopes that he can move on. Some of the funniest dialogue I've heard in years. Why'd you all let me go so long without seeing this? I almost died laughing at the scene where Vaughn keeps rewinding the goal he scored in the NHL videogame they're playing.
Collision Course-Jay Leno and Pat Morita are buddy cops in Detroit working together to recover a Japanese turbocharger stolen by thief Chris Sarandon. Famously bad movie that's not too terrible, to be honest. Half the movies on this list are worse. Best scene: