But in contrast to you guys I haven't had problems with feeling worried about falling into that pattern again. Occasionally over the last few years I'd accept an offer for a drink, and every single time it's made me feel like absolute crap. I can feel myself becoming stupider and less coordinated as the alcohol effect kicks in, and any amount of alcohol gives me a hangover lasting longer than the high. If I'm socializing with people then it can be OK, but as soon as I'm on my own it puts me in a cycle of negative rumination, and brings back memories of being depressed and miserable.
When I went to denver at the end of summer I accepted ONE free beer and it almost ruined my first night there. I think that was maybe the second time all year I consumed alcohol, and I haven't had any since. my alcohol views have more or less shifted to "f*ck this garbage shit drug". It's weird cus I'll turn down people's offer to drink and they will react like I'm some uptight square or something and make me feel like I need to give them justification for why I dont want it. Dammit people, offer me weed or acid or something instead! (but not edibles those kinda suck too)
I tried to use CBD oil for quite a while last year, and I really came to dislike it. I got *more* unpleasant side effects from consuming CBD on a regular basis than I ever did from THC. People would say that it takes the anxious edge of of weed, but it really just felt like my highs were blunted (no pun intended) AND the anxiety would be worse. When I took CBD on its own it wouldn't even make me feel relaxed, just kinda mentally slow and stimulated in an unpleasant way, taking it at night would make my mind race and disrupt my sleep, and for some reason by the end of the time using it my ears would get hypersensitive to certain sounds which was really annoying. Once I stopped using CBD my THC highs were back to being great again. What people refer to as THC-anxiety has actually become one of the effects I look for *most* in a strain of weed, because the mood boosting effects of weed make my mind race in almost exclusively positive ways and usually leads me into tremendous philosophical and self-reflective rabbit holes which has given me valuable personal insights.
I think the marketing of CBD as being a THC substitute is misguided, they are different drugs with different effects. I dont think there is much reason for someone to take it unless they have one of the specific conditions that CBD has been shown to help with. I feel better sober than on CBD.
I can empathize with Tab's coffee comments though. I feel tethered to several cups a day. It's not the biggest deal ever, but I would prefer to not be so reliant on it. I don't like being overcaffeinated, but sometimes when I'm bored I'll end up drinking several cups of espresso cus its too delicious.
Popped in to update on my situation:
still on the job hunt, found a couple things that seem to have potential we'll see how those pan out. personally feeling better than I was, got a deal to pay half my rent for the time being (with the provision that I'll pay back the other half when i'm working again). I will still need to pay the government 6000 bucks to repay Trudeau's insanely botched covid benefit (I've never voted conservative before, but if I do in the next election it will be mostly because of this) but I'll be able to do a payment plan so at least its not like they're gonna repossess my car or anything.
But! half my sister's apartment building burned down two weeks ago. thankfully it wasnt the half that her family lived in so nothing of theirs was touched (though everything on the burned side of the building is toast), but they're essentially homeless for the time being. Their insurance is covering them living in an Air B&B right now, and they'll probably be allowed back into their place in a month or two. So it could have been much much worse for them. But still, this sort of thing really puts my problems in perspective! My sister was definitely traumatized from the experience (she saw the guy who lived in the room where it started running around on fire!)
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