Hegseth's Meeting Backfires as Military Audience Starts Chanting, "Epstein, Epstein"

Sep 30 - The Borowitz Report

QUANTICO, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report)—Pete Hegseth and Donald Trump’s plan to indoctrinate the nation’s top brass backfired spectacularly on Tuesday when the military audience started chanting, “Epstein, Epstein.”

Initially, Hegseth attempted to be heard over the roaring generals, but then burst into tears, sending mascara streaking down his cheeks.

Recognizing that the audience had turned against him, a panicked Donald Trump tried to flee the building but was foiled when the escalator he boarded suddenly lurched to a halt.

As the assembled commanders rose to their feet and continued the “Epstein” chant, Hegseth stormed off the stage and was heard muttering, “Fuck it, I’m going back to drinking.”