Paxton Blasts Talarico’s Lack of Criminal Record

by Andy Borowitz - Jun 4

HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report)—The US Senate race in Texas got uglier on Thursday as Republican Ken Paxton accused Democrat James Talarico of lacking the requisite criminal record to represent the Lone Star State in Washington.

“With all due respect, my opponent doesn’t have the cojones to go on a crime spree,” he told a crowd of supporters in Houston. “James Talarico never saw a law he didn’t abide.”

Drawing a stark contrast between himself and Talarico, Paxton said, “My criminal record is as big as Texas itself.”

Paxton warned that, given the lawless environment that currently prevails in Washington DC, a non-crook like Talarico would be a “dangerous choice,” adding, “Texas deserves a criminal who doesn’t need on-the-job training.”